You fell in love with a fixer (and why you're no substitute for a good shrink)

First things first: many of us all in love with a fixer at some point in our lives.


That fixer may have been the drunken, tortured, dark and handsome artist that you met at a party...who...never actually stops drinking. Or the fixer may be that wild, hypersexual, beautiful girl who was coked out of her mind, dancing on the bar. The bottom line is that fixers are best left in their natural state of self-destruction, and you are wise to keep your distance.


I was pondering our reasons for seeking fixers (men vs. women...are there differences?). I mean one can only stay on the merry-go-round for so long before we jump off and vomit. Most of us leave our fixers out of exhaustion, and many of us serial date fixers out of some masochistic love of drama and control.


I hate to sound like a cynic, but there was one reason that kept jumping out at me for all people who date "fixers,"that transcends gender roles: People who date fixers are looking to have control over his or her relationship. Maybe you want to be the White Knight....or you want him to suddenly wake up and realize that you're everything he's ever wanted.

These are selfish selfish selfish reasons to be in a relationship. I consider myself to be a generally well-intentioned person, but I have dated my fair share of fixers. I carried a subconscious pipe dream of unconditional love borne out of being the savior...the one worth changing for...

What do you do if your dating history reveals a cast of seriously wounded characters? You fix yourself. Ask yourself why you're dating a fixer in the first place: Do you have low self-worth? Are you controlling? Are you afraid of loving an equal?

Now, if you're reading this and you're impossibly enmeshed with a fixer, then what? Therapy. Period. They need it, you need it, and you need it together. Enmeshed does not mean co-dependent. Enmeshed means owning a home with, having children with, being married to, etc.

If you are none of these, then leave. Cut your losses, sort out your own issues with dating, and learn to love as an equal. Again, seek therapy when necessary.

We all have a self-destruct mode. Maybe it's relationships....or drug abuse....or cutting...or eating...or whatever. This is why I'm a big fan of therapy (you are the only person you can truly change). All of the successful people that I know have therapists. Life success does not come without internal turmoil and tough decisions. An impartial party can help you figure out what your self-destruct mode is, and why you occassionaly come close to pushing that button.

Our society equates independence with strength, but our society is weighed down with people who seek to blame others for their unhappiness. That is laziness, pure and simple. If you're in an unhealthy relationship pattern with unhealthy people...guess what? You're probably unhealthy, too (it's not them, it's you).

Next time...what to do if you're the fixer (because many of us have played that role, too).