Insurrection

 I have jokingly said that when I'm at work, the only way I would know that the world was ending would be through a push notification on my phone.  I see between 100 and 120 patients a week, and during those visits my brain is fully engaged in the moment.  Wheels spinning, laying out plan B, C, D...all of the paths to potential wellness for that individual patient are being woven in my brain like a spiderweb.  Working from home lunch breaks (or the rare gap in patient visits) often involve interacting with my 4 year old son.  It is for his sake, that I'm getting this all out of my head right now.  

On Wednesday, a Democrat majority was established in the Senate.  I hated politics, civics, history, or any of the subjects in school that fall somewhere peripheral to those.  I remember my dad ranting against "gerrymandering" when I was in high school.  In my head, I saw an irritable old man shouting at the sky.  Now I get it.  I started work on Wednesday feeling like something wonderful had happened.  Then, my patients started discussing their anxieties, the usual stuff, COVID, people refusing to wear masks making it hard for them to leave (many people care for or live with elderly family or high risk people and mask refusers and COVID deniers have made the mental health crisis substantially worse, more so than the lockdowns), and they would say vaguely, "and you know, all the stuff today."  My patients are generally reluctant to discuss politics, and I don't pry or tip my hand.  I made a checkbox in my head: find out what is going on today.  Then I heard it again, and again, and when I finally had a moment I pulled up the news on my phone.  

There were no push notifications that insurrectionists were trying to overthrow the government.  I was so busy this week, that I didn't have time to process any of it.  2 1/2 more packed workdays, early bedtimes, early workouts, and an all day playdate have kept me from really thinking through all of this.  Now the images are scrolling through my head: Josh Hawley's fist in the air, Camp Auschwitz shirts, the 6MWNE shirts, the Confederate flags, the gallows, the masked men with zip ties, the police officers taking selfies with the rioters, the video of the QAnon supporter vet who was fatally shot in the neck, smoke surrounding the United States Capitol, and all the shattered glass.  I am praying that the politicians involved in stoking these fires and engaging in sedition face legal consequences for their actions, but I am genuinely concerned for inauguration day.  

I previously wrote about my concerns surrounding the cult-like following surrounding Trump.  Now, I reflect upon these images and feel justified in pulling away from people who feverishly supported this administration.  The mass delusion of QAnon (which alone could be my doctoral project because it is that far out into the realm of collective delusion), the racism that has taken a starring role in this movement, the epic con that all of these people are playing right into.  The people on the front lines of this movement are the Epsilons and they are fighting to keep themselves in the lowest of the caste system.  If you continue to support what is happening, you are more aligned with the beliefs of the person wearing the Camp Auschwitz shirt than you are to mine and therefore, good riddance.

When Ethan asks me about this time in history, I will tell him that (thanks in part to COVID) I was able to be home on the most worrying days: election day, the presidential election certification day, and inauguration day (I intend to work from home), because I wanted to be near him in the event that something significant happened and we would not be separated.  I will share with him the images that are burned into my head, and tell him that we turned on the news at home on January 6th during dinner, which is something we rarely do in front of him at this age.  I will tell him that all of this irreversibly changes the way that I looked at people in my life, and that some were cut out entirely because of it.  

I pray that the rest of the transition of power goes smoothly, but there are clear indications that may not be the case.  Until these times of unrest ease up, I will hole up with my little family and do whatever possible to make sure that we are safe, so that we can continue to fight against racism and hate and look back on this time as a black mark in US history that was ultimately overcome.